A Bird's Eye View
by Eden C
Summary: The "fowl" retelling of Harry Potter's "tail".


A/N—Hey guys. Please R&R. Enjoy!

**Italics=Hedwig POV**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Hey, Sam, mind gettin' me some coffee to go with my seed? You _do_ mind _(crestfallen), _oh, well then…how 'bout closing the door? You know dampness is bad for my health—_

Hedwig broke off suddenly as Sam (Eeylops' proprietor) headed towards the door.

_Dear God man! Have you finally developed the ability to hear my wondrous voice?_

Hedwig hooted happily and did a sorta half-jig-half-belly flop off her perch, brushed herself off (ahem—ruffled her feathers), and tottered to the edge of her cage. Sam muttered something along the lines of stupid birds and Hedwig immediately assumed a mournful, sympathetic expression.

_I'm with ya in that, buddy. These things I shame to call my brothers are a tad on the stupid side, if ya know what I mean. Mind, you don't say anything to mother. She would flip! But then flips _were_ always her specialty. I specialized more in the laze around all day and force siblings to bring me food._

(Hedwig reminisces back on her childhood were she sits in her nest with a bib around her neck. "MORE FOOD," she bellows…and then the memory is gone.)

Hedwig cackles manically and then turned back to Sam. He was reaching for the doorknob with bandaged fingers (occupational hazard) and threw the door open wide.

Hedwig blanched.

_Sam, honey, the door…_laughs nervously_…you seem to have misheard me. I said close the door._

Sam turned back towards the counter.

_I SAID __**CLOSE**__ THE DOOR YOU GIT!_

Sam scratched his head nonchalantly and picked at a scab.

_You humans! You disgust me, ya know. Why, I can list hundreds of things we owls have mastered that the human race seems incapable of doing. In fact, Sam, you are a primitive sort of people in comparison. I should make a list of all the ways in which owls are superior to the inferior, primitive, ugly, impatient, ugly, rude, ugly humans. I'd call it _The Ways in which Owls are Superior to the Inferior, Primitive, Ugly, Impatient, Ugly, Rude, Ugly Humans_—by Hedwig. I'd make millions!_

_In fact! I should start right now! Where's my quill? _(searches her 4X4 cage for 13 minutes) _ What the heck happened to my quill…of forget it…Sam, no need to get up, I'll just get a new one._

_OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!_

_Yeow! Oh! The pain! The Agony! I'm Dying! I see the light…I love ya Sam. Tell everybody that I'll miss them…I leave you all my possessions, of course—including the poop in both the right and left corners—_

Hedwig opened her eyes five minutes later.

_I'm ALIVE! Hello world. Hey, Sam, honey, did ya miss me?_

Hedwig examined her new "quill."

_And I'm looking beautiful if I do say so myself, although next time I need a feathered quill, I'll take one of yours, Sam. I've decided my rump needs the feathers where they are, thanks._

#1Owls have mastered the extremely useful art of "go when and where ya gotta go." Humans, on the other hand, have not matured past the stage of "go when, and only when, there's a toilet nearby (which is rarely when you need one) and do the funny dance until you find one."

Hedwig read over her notes. She was about to start writing #2 when the door opened wider (if possible) and slammed shut with a loud clang.

_YEEK! Sam, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were out to get me. What 'cho scaring me for like that? You almost gave me a heart attack. And if I die, I will make sure to personally kill you for your obvious indifference—SAM! Are you listening to a word I am saying?_

Sam was hurrying foreword to help some customers who entered the store. Hedwig's angry outburst and retorts died in her throat. A giant loomed before her resplendent in moleskin coat and crunching on a bloody human leg bone. (At least that's what it looked like—it may have been just a licorice wand.) In his massive deadlock grip was a slim, dark-haired boy. He had a half-shocked, half-amazed expression on his face.

_Sam! The monster is going to kill the boy. Do something! _(5 minutes 23 seconds later) _Must I do everything myself?_

Hedwig squawked loudly and the giant turned towards her.

_Why does my mouth work faster than my brain?_

Hedwig assumed a sheepish expression.

_Hehe! Sorry mister giant monster sir. I didn't mean to disturb you. As you were… carry on._

The giant reached for Hedwig's cage.

_TAKE SAM INSTEAD!_

Hedwig closed her eyes and pretended to die. The giant determinedly kept his hands clamped to the cage bars.

_Shoot! Playing dead always works in the movies._

Suddenly Hedwig realized where they were heading. Outside.

_Sam, honey, I didn't mean it. I would never have let the most hideous man I have ever seen in my entire life take you. Get your bum off your chair and HELP ME!_

Sam didn't even twitch. The giant, however, still hadn't eaten her (yet) and so Hedwig relaxed slightly.

After 2 minutes of silent walking, Hedwig couldn't bare the quiet.

_You know, if you're goin' for a light snack, there's this new diet you should try. Not that I'm implying that you need a diet. _(Hedwig hurriedly added before the giant could take offense) _It's just that you're a bit more along particularly right in the middle._

The giant handed her cage to the green-eyed boy. (Unceremoniously I may add.)

All the green-eyed boy could do was stammer.

_Ah, humans. Speechless in my presence. _

Hedwig smiled. These next years are gonna be mighty fun, she predicted.

And with a last glimpse at Eeylops Owl Emporium, Hedwig turned to face her future.


End file.
